why do I (how can I) allow such odd unrelated events to completely fuck me over? I need something. I need a release. I need an enormous meltdown to get everything OUT and maybe start over again? I hate this trigger start-stop-go-cease bullshit I put myself through. I hate the fact that I can't trust my mind or my motivations. I hate the fact that I am so fucking insecure that I even question the validity and purpose of this post. I hate the fact that I want to type more and more and more but don'tknow if I mean it or think it or breathe it. There was a time when asked what I was afraid of most I would have answered "dark water" or "the dark", but lately it's been this thing that lives in my head that's not me...or at least, I hope it's not. Some fractalfractured part of me that needs to be excised&exorcised. out out damn spot.

argh.

brandon, put those away.