I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn't have one. So I bought a cake.

I was at a casino in Vegas, and I was standing in front of a fire exit. A security guard came up to me and said "Sir you'll have to move, you are blocking the fire exit." As if there was a fire, I wouldn't run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

- Mitch Hedberg